I will write for ten minutes every day

I had a rough week. I wanted to cry so hard but I couldn’t make my eyes wet. I wanted to complain for a few paragraphs but I decided not to. I am going to end this week on a good note. So instead of using this time to shit on a parade I am going to read my mail bag:

Dear Lindsay,

You are not funny. People fall asleep when you talk because they are so tired of trying to be polite and look interested while you bore them to death. You should quit comedy and work at a day care during nap time.

Anonymous



Dear Lindsay,

When you come into class I feel sick because you smell like cat piss. Every time you walk through the door I say to myself "Not again". Going forward I need you to sit in the back of the class so that your retarded comments are muffled by distance. I often find myself wondering how you got past the fifth grade and why you're allowed to use a pen when clearly crayons would be a more suitable utensil. Do you enjoy making the world a shitty place? You must because you show up to class each week with a shit eating grin. Seeing you smile is like watching my first dog get hit by a car and die a slow trembling death. I'm not the only one who suffers because of your existence. You know those people that sit around you in class? They don't sit there because they want to. They sit there because they don't have a choice. They are all hardened criminals that had the choice of lethal injection or 6 months of sitting next to you for community service. Six out of five chose lethal injection. The judge presiding over the case thought that death row was the easy way out so he denied them their plea. The sixth person has the misfortune of being blind and deaf. If I had the opportunity of allowing Jesus into my classroom to cure this poor soul I would decline because the shock of being able to see and hear you is a hell no man deserves.

Lesley Professor



Dear Lindsay,

I've received several complaints from your clothes. They requested a transfer to the Salvation Army. They hate being on you because you look like a 42 year old lesbian boy on a cruise chip to Barbados.

Your Closet