I will write for ten minutes every day

I had a rough week. I wanted to cry so hard but I couldn’t make my eyes wet. I wanted to complain for a few paragraphs but I decided not to. I am going to end this week on a good note. So instead of using this time to shit on a parade I am going to read my mail bag:

Dear Lindsay,

You are not funny. People fall asleep when you talk because they are so tired of trying to be polite and look interested while you bore them to death. You should quit comedy and work at a day care during nap time.

Anonymous



Dear Lindsay,

When you come into class I feel sick because you smell like cat piss. Every time you walk through the door I say to myself "Not again". Going forward I need you to sit in the back of the class so that your retarded comments are muffled by distance. I often find myself wondering how you got past the fifth grade and why you're allowed to use a pen when clearly crayons would be a more suitable utensil. Do you enjoy making the world a shitty place? You must because you show up to class each week with a shit eating grin. Seeing you smile is like watching my first dog get hit by a car and die a slow trembling death. I'm not the only one who suffers because of your existence. You know those people that sit around you in class? They don't sit there because they want to. They sit there because they don't have a choice. They are all hardened criminals that had the choice of lethal injection or 6 months of sitting next to you for community service. Six out of five chose lethal injection. The judge presiding over the case thought that death row was the easy way out so he denied them their plea. The sixth person has the misfortune of being blind and deaf. If I had the opportunity of allowing Jesus into my classroom to cure this poor soul I would decline because the shock of being able to see and hear you is a hell no man deserves.

Lesley Professor



Dear Lindsay,

I've received several complaints from your clothes. They requested a transfer to the Salvation Army. They hate being on you because you look like a 42 year old lesbian boy on a cruise chip to Barbados.

Your Closet

Dirty Colon

Friday: beefaroni and doritos, no dinner
Saturday: bacon,egg, and cheese sandwich, fried eggs, a granola bar and Chinese food
Sunday: tibetan food and a steak and cheese sub
Monday: Coffee, French Fries, DC, double bacon cheese burger

This trash train doesn't look like it's stopping anytime soon. If anyone reads this anymore please let me know what cheap and healthy foods you eat that last through the week.

Survetional

What is in the back seat of your car right now?
my imagination. I don’t have a car.


When was the last time you threw up?
when I saw yer face


What's your favorite word or phrase?
Tactical


Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Olivia, Helena, lol cats


What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
taking a nap after a shower

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
drawing myself with a helmet and an alligator


Favorite board game?
none of them


Have you ever been to a strip club?
how else did I get this glitter on me?

What is the last thing you said aloud?
I don’t remember so I just said hello out loud so I could answer the question.

What is the best ice cream flavor?
Almond cream or peanutbutter


What was the last thing you had to drink?
coffee


What are you wearing right now?
grease stained pants


What was the last thing you ate?
a 7 layer bar to add 7 layers to my 7 layer ass

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
I tried to but Burlington coat factory’s leapord pants do not come in size normal

When was the last time you ran?
Yesterday


What's the last sporting event you watched?
shit was it really a patriots game…..


If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
To the king of England’s bathroom


Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
I commented on my double dog double chin photo….


Ever go camping?
a long time ago


Do you have a tan?
yes and it’s not real. Priests tan too.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
my cell phone 2 times


What is your guilty pleasure?
bad tv


Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
no. I do on random things though

Do you drink your soda from a straw?
my grandmother doesn’t know how to drink out of a bottle.


What did your last text message say?
eat shit

Are you someone's best friend?
no eat shit

What are you doing tomorrow?
taking it to the limit


Where is your mom right now?
at home interwebbing


Look to your left, what do you see?
Neil Patrick Harris riding a unicorn saying “get to work”


What color is your watch?
Nope

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
yes and I took it to the limit.

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
If I have an emergency call on any of my lines I go in.

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
no eat shit

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Donna from New Horizons….she indirectly said I was a pleasure to work with. Yeah MF


Have you met anyone famous?
Armani from Pharcyde. He smells nice


Any plans today?
I’m getting grown woman gifts for a friend that is now a woman.


Are you happy?
Yup


Where are you right now?
Work


Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Every time I move it hurts and walking to/from work is boring and I want a woman purse work bag


Last song listened to?
“you’re a dirty girl, you’re a dirty girl”


Last movie you saw?
In Bruges

Are you allergic to anything?
mysteries

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
My boots that have holes. I have to wear a plastic bag on my foot when it rains.


Are you jealous of anyone?
Tina Turner


Are you married?
no and for good reason. I’m everyone’s cousin.

Is anyone jealous of you?
The sun


What time is it?
4:00 o’clock pm

Do any of your friends have children?
not yet.


Do you eat healthy?
nope


What do you usually do during the day?
try to think of ways to become casually famous

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
only when I’m not sure what to write at the beginning of an email


How many kids do you want when you're older?
as many as it takes to fill up my uterus


How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
26

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
yes

How did you get one of your scars?
jumping off of a fence

What are your plans for the weekend?
Buying woman gifts

God hates girls

It's official that God hates women. He gave us periods and he makes us cry at work. He also made us break our ankles after coming in 2nd in a pack of all boys. Then he didn't let us say goodbye to our trainer before he shot us in the head. Boys kiss your dicks because you're lucky to have them and God loves you.

This is what I want my life to look like

Catholic Guilt

Sad to say that the only thing that I ever really got out of being raised Catholic was guilt and an obsession with rosary beads and religous pendants. I think it's because I really like "outfits". My favorite pendant is the nautical jesus pendant.

Figures

I was in the mood for a snack so I went downstairs to the vending machine to get some candy. No one was around so I farted. So what right no one's around. Then I hear "hey lindsay check this out" It was the security dude. Awesome right. It's not "hey lindsay" on his way passing by it's hey lindsay chit chat chit chat while i'm wondering if I should try and waft away the damage and if he would notice........The worst part is that this isn't my first akward interaction with this guy. The last time was 6 or 7 months ago. I was accompanied with liquid beligernace and asked him out only to find out that he was married. Yes.....The awkwardness continued from that point on and I think that possible today was the peak?

First Conversation:


Drunk Girl: "oh hey how's it going"

SG: "good"

Drunk Girl: "Awesome...Hey I was wondering do you have a girlfriend? cause if you don't do you wanna grab a drink"

SG: *picks up left hand and waves wedding ring"

Drunk Girl: "I'm an ASSHOLE" *runs away (seriously runs)