Dirty Colon

Friday: beefaroni and doritos, no dinner
Saturday: bacon,egg, and cheese sandwich, fried eggs, a granola bar and Chinese food
Sunday: tibetan food and a steak and cheese sub
Monday: Coffee, French Fries, DC, double bacon cheese burger

This trash train doesn't look like it's stopping anytime soon. If anyone reads this anymore please let me know what cheap and healthy foods you eat that last through the week.

Survetional

What is in the back seat of your car right now?
my imagination. I don’t have a car.


When was the last time you threw up?
when I saw yer face


What's your favorite word or phrase?
Tactical


Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Olivia, Helena, lol cats


What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
taking a nap after a shower

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
drawing myself with a helmet and an alligator


Favorite board game?
none of them


Have you ever been to a strip club?
how else did I get this glitter on me?

What is the last thing you said aloud?
I don’t remember so I just said hello out loud so I could answer the question.

What is the best ice cream flavor?
Almond cream or peanutbutter


What was the last thing you had to drink?
coffee


What are you wearing right now?
grease stained pants


What was the last thing you ate?
a 7 layer bar to add 7 layers to my 7 layer ass

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
I tried to but Burlington coat factory’s leapord pants do not come in size normal

When was the last time you ran?
Yesterday


What's the last sporting event you watched?
shit was it really a patriots game…..


If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
To the king of England’s bathroom


Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
I commented on my double dog double chin photo….


Ever go camping?
a long time ago


Do you have a tan?
yes and it’s not real. Priests tan too.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
my cell phone 2 times


What is your guilty pleasure?
bad tv


Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
no. I do on random things though

Do you drink your soda from a straw?
my grandmother doesn’t know how to drink out of a bottle.


What did your last text message say?
eat shit

Are you someone's best friend?
no eat shit

What are you doing tomorrow?
taking it to the limit


Where is your mom right now?
at home interwebbing


Look to your left, what do you see?
Neil Patrick Harris riding a unicorn saying “get to work”


What color is your watch?
Nope

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
yes and I took it to the limit.

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
If I have an emergency call on any of my lines I go in.

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
no eat shit

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Donna from New Horizons….she indirectly said I was a pleasure to work with. Yeah MF


Have you met anyone famous?
Armani from Pharcyde. He smells nice


Any plans today?
I’m getting grown woman gifts for a friend that is now a woman.


Are you happy?
Yup


Where are you right now?
Work


Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Every time I move it hurts and walking to/from work is boring and I want a woman purse work bag


Last song listened to?
“you’re a dirty girl, you’re a dirty girl”


Last movie you saw?
In Bruges

Are you allergic to anything?
mysteries

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
My boots that have holes. I have to wear a plastic bag on my foot when it rains.


Are you jealous of anyone?
Tina Turner


Are you married?
no and for good reason. I’m everyone’s cousin.

Is anyone jealous of you?
The sun


What time is it?
4:00 o’clock pm

Do any of your friends have children?
not yet.


Do you eat healthy?
nope


What do you usually do during the day?
try to think of ways to become casually famous

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
only when I’m not sure what to write at the beginning of an email


How many kids do you want when you're older?
as many as it takes to fill up my uterus


How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
26

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
yes

How did you get one of your scars?
jumping off of a fence

What are your plans for the weekend?
Buying woman gifts

God hates girls

It's official that God hates women. He gave us periods and he makes us cry at work. He also made us break our ankles after coming in 2nd in a pack of all boys. Then he didn't let us say goodbye to our trainer before he shot us in the head. Boys kiss your dicks because you're lucky to have them and God loves you.

This is what I want my life to look like

Catholic Guilt

Sad to say that the only thing that I ever really got out of being raised Catholic was guilt and an obsession with rosary beads and religous pendants. I think it's because I really like "outfits". My favorite pendant is the nautical jesus pendant.

Figures

I was in the mood for a snack so I went downstairs to the vending machine to get some candy. No one was around so I farted. So what right no one's around. Then I hear "hey lindsay check this out" It was the security dude. Awesome right. It's not "hey lindsay" on his way passing by it's hey lindsay chit chat chit chat while i'm wondering if I should try and waft away the damage and if he would notice........The worst part is that this isn't my first akward interaction with this guy. The last time was 6 or 7 months ago. I was accompanied with liquid beligernace and asked him out only to find out that he was married. Yes.....The awkwardness continued from that point on and I think that possible today was the peak?

First Conversation:


Drunk Girl: "oh hey how's it going"

SG: "good"

Drunk Girl: "Awesome...Hey I was wondering do you have a girlfriend? cause if you don't do you wanna grab a drink"

SG: *picks up left hand and waves wedding ring"

Drunk Girl: "I'm an ASSHOLE" *runs away (seriously runs)

Survey Sez

1-3 up and left.

4. Fill in the blank. I like...
goat cheese

5. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
invisalign, butt lifts

6. If you were to wake up after being in a coma who would you call?
Bear Grillz

7. How many kids do you want to have?
as many as it takes to do the laundry

8. Are you a good parent.
gross

9. Where was your default picture taken?
when I was in concert in 92

10. Whats your middle name?
Louise

11. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
I have heartburn. Give me more money.

12. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I’d wear my retainer and stay in school

13. Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding?
a monkey riding a pony

14. What are you wearing right now?
a sweater and snake feet

15. Righty or Lefty?
I write with the hand that nuns don’t smack

16. Best place to eat?
in my car after buying a bunch of junk food and then eating it all in an unlit parking lot……wait a minute

17. Favorite jeans?
painted on

18. Favorite animal?
horse, dog, hippo

19. Favorite juice?
hawaian punch

20. Have you had the chicken pox?
yes and impetigo

21. Have you had a sore throat?
does that still happen?

22. Ever had a bar fight?
no but I’ve broken up 3

24. Shoe size?
500…you know what that means

25. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
contacts….glasses will happen soon

26. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
one time we didn’t talk to eachother for 3 days….

27. Been to Mexico?
nope

28. Did you buy something today?
coffee

29. Yesterday?
I bought peppermint schnopps nips and a cupcake, and book tags

30. Do you miss someone today?
karate kid

31. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
um with the asshole that hugged the pole and got in my personal space

32. When is the last time you had a massage?
a month ago

33. Last person to lay in your bed:
my bed is only big enough for me

34. Last person to see you cry?
the children of the world

35. Who made you cry?
poverty

36. What was the last TV show you watched?
Animal cops. It made me have a dream about a puppy who’s eye fell out

37. What are your plans for the weekend?
Ice skating and belly dancing. I’m a woman of the 90’s

38. Who do you think will repost this?
Cara I reposted

Teeth Time USA!

I am only scared of 4 things in life; ghosts, aliens, bugs, and THE DENTIST!! The dentist pretty much tops the list. I was so afraid to go that after I left the nest I didn't go until last year. Surprisingly none of my teeth fell out and I had only a few cavities.

The only way that I would ever consider going last year was to be sedated. It was wonderful! They gave me a back pack, chapstick, and a t-shirt with a tooth on it. The night before I took drugs and woke up like Judy Garland. They gave me more drugs and gas when I got there and then went to town on my mouth. They fixed EVERYTHING within an hour.

Well everyone I've made me very own dentist appointment w/o sedation. Not because I've grown some dentist balls but more because sedation would bust the bank. I've also come to the conclusion that I want Invisalign. I've gone through the hell of braces and have crooked teeth again due to not wanting to wear my retainer. In my defense I went through enough agony being a nerd with a perm so the last thing I needed was a smelly peice of plastic in my mouth that gave me a lisp. Choose your battles.

Invisalign are braces/retainers that are clear and look like teeth. If/When I get them I may not talk to you for a week until I can master talking without drooling. I think I do this anyway from time to time but it's cold and flu season so I should be considerate of that.

My dentitst:

I can't stop staring

I got flowers from my work and I can't stop staring at them. I think i've looked at them an average of 5 times every two minutes. I want to eat them they're so pretty. I'm consumed. I even try to bring them up in casual conversation. I don't think I'll be too upset when they're gone though because I'll have my life back.

In other news I'm thinking of joining an expensive gym. Healthworks is the all ladies all the time gym 1 minute away from my house. There are a lot of down sides to this gym. It's really busy most of the time and really expensive. I've also heard that there's a huge population of naked paraders which makes me really uncomfortable because i'm Catholic and think nudity is a sin. It's so close though. I could forget my sneakers as many times as I want and only waste 10 minutes.

My other option is BSC. I'm going to look at them today. I doubt however, that they have endless supplies of cotton balls, q-tips, tpons, blowdryers, and god damn NIA.

Friends

This is what I've been up to:

- Christmas Eve I drank a bottle of wine, ordered dominos, painted my room shiny poo brown, did all of my laundry, and built this (see below). Not only did i build that shit but I dragged it up a flight of stairs into my room. I only cut one of my feet in the process which is pretty good because I thought I was going to fall down the stairs and I had the nervous sweats. (side note: a few days before I started taking prozac. One of the symptoms they said to check for was carelessly putting yourself in dangerous situations. This bookshelf situation felt pretty dangerous. I was also climbing my windows whilst painting. I COULD HAVE FALLEN!!!!)

- I'm a size 3 in pants now. That's disgusting. I havent been a size 3 since freshmen year in highschool. Don't worry I'm eating EVERYTHING I can find to avoid shopping at the Limited Too agian.

- A window fell on my face. I went to open it and the whole thing fell on my face. I thought maybe I'd get a nice black eye so I could blame it on JR but I only have a small scratch that I can maybe blame on tweezers.

- I got a plastic mason jar water fountain. It's battery operated and proudly sitting on my desk right now. I can now do the follwoing at my desk:

wash my face
make fake tears
get a sip of water
clean my desk
brush my teeth

I want to fill it with champagne and make a music video.

- During the ice storms I fell 4 count em 4 times. Once down the stairs and a bunch on the streets.

- I have a hole in my right boot. I wear a plastic bag on that foot when it rains.

I think that's it for now. I can't really think of anything else right now.






Hi guys,