Things I would have done yesterday if I was 50

1. I would have written a letter to the Cambridgeside Galleria mall calling their staff “apathetic at best”.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I was in your establishment the other night to run some errands. Are your stores run by fucking retarded adolescent zombies or is it just me? Maybe I’m mistaken. Maybe I'm confused by the concept of customer service. That very well might be. Apparently it was God’s gift to me that they showed up to work that day. Apparently I was supposed to kiss their asses. I didn’t and I can see how this may have upset a few employees. So instead I am writing this letter to apologize for not doing my part yesterday.


2. Verbal Altercation #1 Lens Crafters

Doctor: “I’m sorry we can’t fit you for contacts tonight because the woman who would teach you is not here right now”

Me: Oh I’m sorry I didn’t see that your fucking hands were broken.

3. Verbal Altercation #2 Lens Crafters

Receptionist: Here is everything you’ll need for tomorrow in a bag ma’am

Me: Well I’m coming here tomorrow can’t I just leave it here.

Receptionist: Actually, um, nooooo because we’ll get it confused.

Me: Well then write my fucking name on the bag and put it aside…..would that help?

4. I would have saved the Lens Crafters bag to carry my lunch for the next 3 years or until un-usable. Then i would have switched to a Starbucks bag.


The scary part is I had all these feelings yesterday but lacked the entitlement I would have had to go apeshit if I was 50. Hormones are awesome.